The Future

I finally got to watching the American remake of The Ring, and to my great surprise, I actually am not entirely disappointed with it.

The style of the film is different from the original, the story has its own colour scheme, own soundtrack, own sound effects, and unlike how I remembered it, it actually doesn't do too much of the turn-up-the-volume-a-hundred-notches-trick to get scares. It even has a couple of nice special effects for being made 2002.

I'm probably going to insist until the day I die the original is over 9000 times better than the remake, but to be completely honest, the remake is good.

Pigs flew. Hell froze over. etc.

I'm doing this project in school. What the teacher asked of us is that we make questionnaires and have at least 50 people answer them. We then analyse the data of course and make an interesting presentation. Having absolutely no idea what to write/talk about, I just took two things close to my heart. Horror and psychology.

Of course, talking about the intricacies of horror would be interesting, seeing as I'm doing it in Japanese. However, I have to do something based on the data, which in turn has to give structure to some type of comparison. Seeing as not everyone reads horror, let alone books, I decided I would take the more easily compared films these books have given birth to. So Ring, Dark Water, The Grudge, whatever; I'm going to take these films and their remakes and make a case for the differences in psychology between Asians and westerners.

Now, the actual project hasn't taken any shape yet, really. I just decided I would watch some remakes for the sake of the analysis, and thus, I had to write something here now that I finally watched the American "The Grudge".

I'm just pissed. So pissed. They just keep doing the same stupid shit over and over again. I can't believe people allow remakes to be made all the time.

What really pushed me over the edge was the scene they practically ripped from Ring 2. It's not even the film they're remaking, but they had to steal a scene from it. Jesus christ.

On the other hand, instead of just making the same film over again with new actors playing identical roles as in the original, they mix shit up and have the chief of police try and torch the mansion, they have a boy-friend in place of a girl-friend, etc. etc. I guess the director wanted to have a say or some stupid shit like that.

Fucking shit.

寒ーい

最近、「雑音ばっかり」とか思うようになった。起きて、シャワーを浴びてからいつもiPodの音楽を聞いている。でも、最近その３年間ほど持ってきたiPodが壊れかけているような気がする。再生ボタンを押して、音楽を流しても数秒ですぐポーズに勝手に返ってしまう。何回も何回も同じパターンを繰り返した上、iPodをポケットに入れたそばから同じじれったいと思わせた上、もう音楽を聞かないことにした。

しかし聞きたい。フレデリック・ショパンの天才を表す夜想曲が常に聞きたい。任天堂のF-ZEROというレースゲームのスピード感を蘇らせる傑作なサウンドトラックが常に聞きたい。代わりに何があるだろう。教室で教師が休憩時間を告げるが早いか同級生たちがすでにそれぞれの母国語で勢いよく喋っている。別にそれぞれの言葉、イタリア語であれ、韓国語であれ、中国語でも好きじゃないわけではない。ただ、それぞれの人が聞くに堪えることを喋っているのだろうかと思ってしまう。iPodの中に傑作が溢れるほど詰まっているじゃないかと思ってしまう。より値する聞くものが聞かれるのを待っているじゃないかと思ってしまう。

いい加減ふざけてないで、私を偉そうに雑音に浴びさせないでくれといわんばかりに、私はiPodに詰まっている溢れるほどの傑作を聞く。アントニオ・ヴィヴァルディの優れた協奏曲に耽って、空想の世界に陥ったら、この世より素晴らしい所が待っている。愚かなものが一人もいないという一秒も雑音で無駄にされていない完璧な世界がある。そこに行きたい。常に行きたい。

どうしよっ。新しいmp3買おっか。

たまに、帰りの電車で眠くて、あまり読めないときがある。しかし、降りたら、やはりもうちょっと読みたいと思って、改札口の前にあるベンチに座って、結構長くそこで読んでいたときがある。ちょっと動くことで目が覚めて、通っている人の目線が自分のほうにいっているのが分かることで集中が何とかできるようになる。そして、時間が経つと一緒にスーツ姿の人が波のようにゆらゆらと行き交うのを見ている。言葉を読んでいくと同時に周りの風景も徹底的に味わっている。読書というのは読む場所によって大きく変わるということが分かってきた。

『人間処刑台』には恐いと思ったところがたくさんあった。でも、最後に恐いと思われるような結末が来なかった。自分の中の「生き物」に負けて、力任せになって、辛うじて倒せた相手を徹底的にぶち壊すことが最後に主人公は出来なかった。

アンダーグラウンドの世界では力を持っている人が帝王になり、法でもある。今までの法はどういうものかというと殺すか殺されるという簡明直截なものだった。『人間処刑台』の主人公はその世界の一番優れたファイターを倒し、法に逆らうかのように相手を殺さなかった。つまり、今回の主人公はアンダーグラウンドの世界に「正義」の新たな定義を紹介した。そのように分析してしまうと、残念ながらまったく恐くないのではないか。

それでも、正直に言うと恐いと思ったときがたくさんあった。最初のほうに主人公が初めての喧嘩を語っていくときに確かに私の顔がわずかでも強ばっていたのだと思う。太ももの筋肉も強ばって、自分が戦いに遭わされるかのように体が妙に熱くなった。なんかわくわくした。それがおそらく恐いという気持ちが発生するときと関連している反応だ。恐さを覚えるときに普通は反射的にいろいろと起きるけど、今、私が本を読んでいるとその恐さが直接に感じられないのだから、一番最初の反射的反応をスキップして、恐さを覚えたことを思い込ませてしまう。そして、想像によって、恐さを覚えるときの次の段階に達する。状況に応じて逃げるか戦うかという段階。勿論、逃げる必要なんかないから、私は主人公と一緒になって闘うのだ。

なんか、組織的に分析してしまったけど、私もホラーを読むと恐さを覚えるときがあるのが分かった。覚え方や意識の程度が皆とズレてるかもしれないけど、確かに、私も恐いと思った。

他に、やはり対戦のときに私からの反応が一番多かった。ジョン・ラムアが相手の頭に手を絡み付いて、その下に向けた顔を無理やり真上に向けたというところにちょっと鳥肌が立ったと感じた。「極東倶楽部の真珠」と呼ばれる三浦美紗が相手に殺されそうなときにも、相手を倒して殺したときにも私の体は結構強ばっていただろう。

ゆえに『人間処刑台』が今までに一番恐くて、これからこの作品でより恐い小説に会うことが出来るのだろう？

大石圭も年上が好みかなぁ～

『殺人勤務医』にも『人間処刑台』にも主人公が上司と性交し、その人を愛するからそう思うようになったけど…

今日はまた電車で『人間処刑台』を読んでいた。本当にすごい。最初は相手を殺すことも許されるという格闘技がありえないと思ってちょっと面白くなくなりそうだったけど、作家が説明していくと理解ができて、話が楽しめるようになった。でも、また「恐い」という言葉をめぐって疑問がある。この小説は恐いだろうか。人が恐いと思っていない立場から見て、ボクシングを説明しているから、読んでいる自分も恐いと思う分けがない。

確かに、自分は主人公と同格なファイターを向かってリングに上がると恐いと思う。ファイターじゃない素人であれ、自分はその場でとても歯が立たないはずだ。しかし、主人公はまるで無敵なファイターなので、恐いというより、逆にわくわくする気持ちほかない。

まだまだ１５０ページしかないけれども、暴力・虐待・殺人・恐怖というテーマが中心で、この前読んだ『殺人勤務医』と似ている部分が多い。

意外な発見

今日は本当は帰りの電車で眠くて、何も読む力がなかった。ただ目をつぶって、iPodから流れる９千を超える曲の何かを選ばずに聞くだけだった。いくつか聞いて、驚いたのは『スーパーメトロイド』のサウンドトラックが流れてきた。でも、『スーパーメトロイド』のサウンドトラックを聞くだけでいられなかった。ゲームをちゃんと力を尽くしてクリアしたのだから、ゲームの映像とゲームをやるときに覚えることが思い浮かんだ。

そして、その時点で分かったのは、『スーパーメトロイド』はホラーだということだ。そればかりか、『スーパーメトロイド』より恐い話が探ろうとしても思い浮かばない。任天堂のホームページでのスーパーメトロイドの紹介を見たら、最後にキレイにまとめてあるが、「今孤独な戦いが始まる」と書いてある^[1]。その言葉どおりだ。孤独な戦いを背負わなければならない。巨大怪獣リドリー・クレイド・マザーブレインなどと闘わなければならない。『スーパーメトロイド』というのは、未来を想像したホラー作品なので、勿論銀河連邦の宇宙科学アカデミーという研究施設があって、無残に殺害された研究所員たちをみてから始まるという話だ。生きている人間はいない。残るものは緊急事態の連絡のみだ。独りで宇宙の未来を抱えていくしかないという話だ。

今回読み出したのはちょっと『殺人勤務医』より厚い『人間処刑台』で、まだ２５ページしか読んでいないのにこっちが好きかもしれない。

まだ話がどうなるかは分からないまま読み出すと題名から推測するしかない。推測してみても、私は話の内容が想像できなかった。そして、大石圭の語り方にまたびっくりした。まさか闘士の話だと分かってくる瞬間から目をそらさなくなってしまった。主人公と同様に、自分の中の「生き物」が観客の叫びに起こされ、目を覚まし、男であるが故の反応があったと思う。私も力を解放させ、殺したくなった。

ということだけど、この２５ページしか読んでいない段階で鑑賞が残念ながらこういう半端なものになるのだ。

私は不思議に年上が好みだ。といっても、本当は全然不思議じゃない。私は大人気ないクソガキが気にいらないタイプだ。でも難しい。好きになっても、年下だと分かられ、やむなくそこで付き合いが不可能になるという残念な話がいくつかある。なぜ知る前に全然平気だったのに、知るとどうしようもなくなるのだろう。

私が好きな人は今まで全員年上だった。でも別に年下の人が好きになれないわけじゃない。ただ、性格が合うし、一緒にいると何でも楽だし、楽しいと思ったことは年上の人といるときだけだ。さらに、年齢を知って、気が変わることはない。なぜかというと、年齢は数字でしかないからだ。それでも、年下の人が気に入ることはなかった。

振られても全然平気だけど、納得できない理由なら全然平気じゃない。そういう時が来るとむかつくだろう。この明らかに意味なく数字を重要視する傾向をやめようじゃないか。

さて、違うトピックに入ろう。

『殺人勤務医』

読み終わらせた。

本当は前にも日本語で小説を読んだことがあるが、自分で選んだものじゃないし、自力で読むんじゃなくて、辞書や教授や何かや誰かが支えてくれなければ読めないような読み方だった。今回、一回も辞書を引かずに読んだ。なぜかというと、要らなかったからだ。そして、簡単だったから要らなかったのじゃなくて、私は日本語が読めるからだ。

まあ、正直言って、『殺人勤務医』は医師の立場から描いたものだから、医師の言葉を聞いていられるなら、それが素人の立場だったより簡単かもしれない。私はすでに科学者の視線を用いて世界を見下ろしているから、全然平気だったというか、かえって簡単だったと思う。

主人公は人工妊娠中絶手術の専門家で、自分の仕事は法で許される殺人でしかないと思って、１０００件を超える手術を行う時点で、殺すことに慣れているという。だから題名。ついでに、家の地下室で女子高生など、怒らせてくれた人を出来るだけ残酷に殺していくという趣味がある。

『殺人勤務医』はホラーだ。でも、恐く覚えたことは一切ない。主人公が恐くない。主人公が殺された魚たちの敵を討ち、虐待される子供や犬を助け、それぞれの敵を討つ。『殺人勤務医』が恐いというより、自分はその子供などを虐待する悪い人が死んでほしいと気づくとちょっと恐いかもしれない。人の心の更生をいつの間にか信じなくなり、復讐しか信じなくなったのだろう。そう考えると、やはりちょっと恐い。

他に、この小説の一つの大きなテーマは生の意味。生まれようとする人の命を絶つ権利のある人があってもいいかとか、他人の苦痛を分からなくてすむだろうかとかという話が多めに出る。餓死や虐待で死ぬ人は本当は生まれることが出来なかった人より運がよかっただろうか。

そして、主人公は精神病かとおそらく疑問するだろう。子供のころに母に虐待され、捨てられ、結局弱いものに自分の怒りを映る悪人を拷問し殺す。自分が感じた虐待は他人に感じてほしくないし、弱い動物や法にかばわれていないものに感じてほしくない。だから、悪の掃除をしているだけなのではないだろうか。命に値するものに苦痛を負わせたくないだけなのではないだろうか。

そう推理してみても、高校生を殺す理由は挙げていない。まだ大人じゃないかもしれない人を殺すことは許せるだろうか。私は絶対許せない。

よく日本人には面白い精神の壁があると考える。コミュニケーションがうまくいかないなら大変な失敗だ。失敗したらそこまでで、もうどうしようもないじゃないかと日本人は思うのではないだろうかと考える。

特に気になるケースを挙げるとしたら、この前富士山の天辺に着くところを思い出す。皆知っていると思うけど、富士山を登っていくと、水を販売するところとかがあって、そこで自分が持っている如意棒みたいなものにハンコを押してもらえる。とにかく、その天辺で、ハンコを押してもらえるところは見当たらなかった。聞いてみようと思って、そこでお土産を売っている人に近づいて、つまらない顔に合わされた。私から話しかける。普通に、準備せずに日本語で話す。でも、別に小さい声で話していないのに、相手が聞き取っていない感じだ。もう一回話そうとしても返事がまだこないから、手を振りながら「ハンコ」と強調して言ってみると、反応がやっと来た。

スタンプ…？

―スタンプ？

おそらく、私は英語を話していたと思ったのかな。思わず微笑み、私は指摘された場所の方向へ踏み出した。

なぜそうなったのかと思うと、やはり、日本人はよくある精神の壁が原因だと思ってもいいと思う。英語が出来ないから、英語が迷惑だ。というか、英語を話すことになると自分はおそらく迷惑になると思っているだろう。外人が近づいてくるとまずく覚える。前の例の人は一生懸命英語を聞き取ろうとしたのだろう。

逆に、アジア人の顔を見ると、日本人は常に安心する。とは、この精神の壁が現れない。精神的に相手を会話に歓迎する。しかし、歓迎して、結局日本語を聞いて、日本人じゃないと判断するとまたまずく覚える。「こんな顔に合わされて、安心だろうと思いきや、本当は外国人だった」と裏切られたかのようにむかつくかもしれない。アジアのあまり日本語が話せない人は常に日本人をだましている。「私は日本人だ」と言わんばかりの顔をするだけで日本人を常にだましている。

I decided a few days back to finally download and watch Mirrors. The trailer has been on TV for a while, and I remember the first time I saw it, I thought it was going to be really exciting. They were kind enough to not actually reveal the story; either that, or I never watched enough of the trailer. Anyways, I watch the film. Right from the beginning, I know it's going to be a disaster.

Man talking to mirrors, a lot of imagery to make you jump in your seat (classic fading sound to be directly followed by the volume going up a hundred notches, cue close-up of a scary face), brightly lit room where a man slits his own throat, showing his larynx in detail, leaving pretty much all of his blood on the mirror and walls.

Following not too long afterwards is a drunk cop with rage problems every time he has a reason to get defensive. The woman in his life can't act for shit, but she looks really good all soaked in water, especially when you can see her nipples. Her boobs are fucking huge. Did I mention her boobs have a lot of screen time?

It wasn't long before I had the intellectual break to check if this wasn't perhaps a remake of an actually once good film.

Into the Mirror (거울 속으로) is a genius film, brought to you by genius film makers from the golden land of genius works of art in 90 minute form.

Mirrors, is therefore a crime.

I can't believe how shitty a thing it is to take a film and be like "nice film, but you know what, I think it would be so much better if I paid no attention to what makes this a masterpiece and add boobs and explosions".

The ending of Mirrors was absolutely fucking ridiculous. How does a guy force a demon back into an old lady that was plagued by it for half of forever, and then brutally kill her after mirrors explode all over her. Allow me to quote that same scene: "die you fucking bitch".

On the other hand, the image of the protagonist (Wu Young-min), falling into the mirror, is about as priceless an image as images get in the world of films.

Can someone point me in the direction of a tactfully remade film, that in the very least comes off as a homage to the original and not some shitty attempt at phishing money. I'm going to go out on a limb here and proclaim that all remakes are shit covered in shit.

Oh my god I want to cry.

もう飲み会なんかは魅力をなくしている。特にオールが気に入らなくなってきた。飲んで飲んで、ちょうどいい気分になりそうなときに終電が行っちゃうから、朝の始発電車まで飲んでいようと提言するというシチュエーションが多い。体力を果たし、ナンパを精一杯頑張り、ナンパの成敗にかかわらず、アルコールと煙草の臭いをびっしりついたまま起きる。その翌朝の自分はやる気最低限を過ぎているかのようになかなか起き上がらない。起きても何が待っているだろう。

この気持ちはもう嫌だ。起きるときにはっきりした行く場所がなければ、またはやることがなければ、起き上がる甲斐がいったい何なんだろう。

明日、この前ＩＫＥＡで買ったオフィスチェアと机が届く。それを組み立てたら、久しぶりに机で夜明かしをしたい。酒や女がいらない部屋の隅で漫画や本を読んだりしたい。勉強がしたい。正しくこういうこともずっとやらないとやりたくなるんだ。似たように、またいつか飲みながら終電を逃したくなるだろうが、しばらく引きこもらせていただく。

最近怖いのを読んでる。通学し２５分ずつ読むから、早く進まないけど、１年前の自分と比べるとかなりのスピードで読んでる。

こないだ、また学校で漢字コンテストがあって、２位を受賞し２枚の図書カードを入手した。早速本屋に買いに行った。本当は「ほの暗い水の底から」が読みたかったけど、見当たらなくて、大石圭の厚いやつにした。三冊で「死霊列車」(←１０月２９日：これだけの作者が違うって気づいたｗｗ）「人間処刑台」「殺人勤務医」となる。今読み出したのは「殺人勤務医」で、今日、帰りの電車で涙が出そうなほど美しく書かれている。本当に出そうだった。

ちょっと悪いかもしれないけど、３６ページの二段落ぐらいをみんなにシェアしたいのだ。涙が出そうなところじゃないけど、朝の電車でサラリーマンと美しき日本の女性に窮屈に囲まれ、「やばい…これ読んでもいいかよ」と言わんばかりにしかめながら、汗まみれになった。是非読んでもらいたい。

　冷たく光る頸管拡張機が鮮やかなピンク色の膣口を押し開いた瞬間、少女の小さな腰がわずかに浮き上がった。明るすぎるほどの光の中に、ピンク色の膣内と小豆色をした肛門があらわになる。腿の内側の筋肉が軽く張り詰め痙攣するかのように震える。
　内部に充分の光が届くように、さらに膣口を押し開く。僕の顔の両脇に掲げられた少女の足の指―オレンジのペディキュアが光る指先が、何かを摑もうとでもするかのようにキュッと閉じられる。少年のような腰がさらに浮き上がり、照明に照らされた淡い陰毛が光り、肛門がヒクヒクと動く。

なんか、読もうにも読めないみたいな感じだ。小説にこういうこと書いてあるのかよと。

この小説の最初の５０ページにたっぷり感じられることがあったが、内容はとりあえずこれしかばれたくない。本当にお勧めだから。また、明日も鑑賞を書くかも。

So I'm back, this time with a story that is guaranteed to bring tears even to your eyes.

So I was minding my own business a few weeks back, doing what I always do, skipping class, getting drunk, hitting on girls who think I'm older than them or something. One day when I actually decide to go to school, my teacher urges me to join this event, some sort of competition... it's like Jeapordy and the winner gets a fucking shitload of money.

Oh and did I mention it takes two days (out of your weekly school schedule), meals included... ? Of course I signed up for it. Not that it wouldn't be nice to win the contest, but I wasn't really sure I could name all the lakes and mountains of Japan in 10 seconds, which pretty much sums up the finalists.

Anyways, I'm locked up with all these other students, and we're all meant to introduce ourselves to everyone, on a stage. I mention I have no intention of winning the contest and that we should all get drunk together, and of course, I get a standing ovation. Epic win.

So we do. A leads to B, and the other day, I was out drinking with my new friends. A cute bunch, including one who actually speaks Japanese well enough to impress me. Great fun, let's go to karaoke or something. Anyways, within this group, there's one girl that just brings out the best of me. Not the prettiest, but there's something about her that just shouts "virgin". Cute, pure, clumsy, shy etc... I can't say there's anything about virgins that makes me want to commit violent crimes (or is there...), but this girl in particular had that combination of ingredients to make you want to chase her down a hallway and stab her. So to speak.

But all this purity and cuteness aside, there is a variety of things girls can do that irreparably fucks their image up. I'm afraid the girl in question actually pulled it off, and just isn't cute at all any more. See, there's a handful of boys and a handful of girls in our gang. I can't speak for everyone when I say who is more attractive or less, because everyone has types. I've had the most confusing encounters when girls just can't accept that I'm reading Japanese, because the guy they have their eyes on happens to be one of those dumbasses, and the girls in question can't accept any reality but the one they're focusing their minds on because it's so close to fulfilling their childhood dreams. It's kind of common when you think about it actually, a girl decides beforehand whether a guy is good enough or not, then completely ignores all opposing evidence. Like, I was listening in on a conversation a few weeks back; there was this cool guy who goes jogging a little now and then to stay in shape (which he is not), and throws in a few push-ups or whatnot. He also conveniently makes sure everyone knows he's been running, because that's half the point. So anyways, this girl was all like "omg, that's so cool" and "wow, you're so strong, I think my panties just disappeared". And then he goes on bragging about how many push-ups he can do. She gets caught in the wave and asks "can you do the one-armed push-up", and he's like, "no, I'm pretty sure I can't". Everything goes quiet for one air-splitting second, and then she goes on talking about how amazing he is(n't).

It wouldn't have gotten on my nerve if the girl in that scenario made sense. I mean, liking someone is one thing, assuming they are the man of your dreams, or has some sort of skill you wish they had only because they have a pretty face is beyond stupid. Returning to my initial story, lastly, the girl I thought was totally cute was exactly that type of girl. The one she fell for was pretty cool. A bad-boy. He also had a girl-friend. That he was living with. All this taken into consideration, this little naive, shining star, wonder-girl was bright enough to fall for him. Like it was going to get her anywhere.

Listing all the shitty things she did is too much, but she did have quite a bit of those moments where she's listening to what you're saying one second, saying "uh huh, yeah, uh huh" or something like that, but when the bad-boy says the exact same thing a few seconds later, she goes "OH MY GOD, WOW, THAT IS JUST TOO AWESOME, I THINK YOU AND I SHOULD GET MARRIED WHAT DO YOU THINK?".

Tired of this shit.

Jesus Christ. It just dawned on me that Michael Jackson is dead.

I guess it just took a while for it to sink in. I mean, it's not like I had been listening to his music, appreciating the genius, right about the time he died. I haven't been listening to it now either, but for some reason, I guess I had one of those bitter nostalgia moments.

As for recent events, I recently found out I passed the most recent Japanese Language Proficiency Test. You will find me talking about how much of a joke it is, here. Adding to how much of a joke it is, I must stress that it's the first time I try any of the JLPTs, and that it's the highest level.

Kudos goes to my teacher for teaching me stuff like how to stay awake through the listening comprehension part, which really only is a test of your endurance... most of the time you probably want to just press fast-forward on the damn CD. Or slap someone in the face. Or be slapped in the face. All depends on what you prefer.

Lately, going to school has been an enormous inconvenience. I have to get out of bed to make it to the train with no seats to then make it to the classroom with no morale. Listening to the teacher with no understanding of academics or intellectual aspiration. I cut class so much, the school councillor had to check up on me and give me empty threats about taking back the scholarship I was granted for kicking so much ass. I guess I was hoping they would confront me about my habits and maybe ask me why I wasn't making an effort to come to school, but I guess they all get it. There is no real place to go when you've already made it past the finish-line and everyone else is agreeing to walk, because running hurts. And pain is scary.

Did I ever mention I hate people?

Let me think of some good news instead... hold on a sec...

Yeah, you know what, I'll have to get back to you on that...

Shigeru Miyamoto and Takashi Tezuka, creators of The Legend of Zelda, genius beyond their peers and well ahead of their time. The Legend of Zelda was born 1986, and since then has been recreated not just once; a story retold over and over again. It's always the same thing, but always different. Enough work is put into the new releases to make them "new", but we all know nothing really has changed for any of the releases for the past 23 years. It's just as good each time they do it.

I found myself listening to some music from the games today, and it is incredible how powerfully the music can ring down your spine and all the way back to days you hardly have any recollection of. My entire body refreshed by a lasting shiver, and once again I want to believe that mankind will keep trying to do the very best they can. I want to believe it's not over quite yet.

I know there is hope.

Picture not related.

好きになっていいの？それともためらう心がブレーキかけるけど苦しくって息が止まりそう

A quote that comes to mind a lot lately. Short; "is it ok to fall in love now?", taken from an anime opening song I hold very dear, partly because the anime was such a throbbing pain in the ass to endure. Not to say I like having stuff rammed up my ass; it is, however, very interesting when an animation makes you feel something in your gut (or your ass for that matter)... something you rarely ever feel.

The reason why I'm being such an emotional whiny 'tard this time is basically that I was caught completely off guard - trying to remember how to solve stupid factorisation problems - by a friend I've playfully been hitting on telling me I've made appearances in her dreams. Now, I haven't heard all the details of said dreams, but I do know they're not of me minding my own business, solving factorisation problems. About two days and a lot of those "oh now I get what happened there"-moments later, I've had to rethink what it is I'm doing to this person.

It's not as much fun and games any more; it's actually pain-in-the-ass serious business now. I can't pretend it all away, and seeing as a part of me started it all, a part of me doesn't want to.

I want to... at least I think I want to... fall in love.

And don't think the reason why I'm feeling lost about what to do here is "feelings of inadequacy" or "fear of commitment" or some other bullshit, because I don't even have those... convenient courtesy of my epic ability to block out any need for human beings in my life. If I ever had to, I could always rely on chronic masturbation and a virtual (anti-)social life, if you know what I mean.

No but seriously, I'm just a little taken off guard by how far I've taken all of this, without really making any effort.

In any case, I believe the answer to my rhetorical question here is "yes". It always is and always has been. Like I've insisted before breaking hearts in the past, I want to insist to that part of me being a bitch: what's interesting in a life without pain? And to truly appreciate a challenge, you must lose.

I want to lose.

I woke up at 6:30 this morning. This morning one week into my three-week-long summer vacation. I've spent the first few days of this vacation sleeping up to twelve hours, waking up at 4PM, eating two meals a day and watching the Dragon Ball animation on my computer. Finished it just the other day.

Today, my thighs have been reminding me of yesterday, every step I take. They have that nice sting you get after a good workout, but not so much that it's unpleasant. The fruit of working out at high altitudes, perhaps.

See, I climbed Mt. Fuji last night. Arriving at a bit over 2000 metres, 11PM, a group of 21 got off a bus and changed from polyester beach sandals to hiking shoes. The only light available, give or take the millions of flash-lights and those nifty ones you wear on your head, was the light reflected off the full moon. Our objective: to see the sunrise from the top of Mt. Fuji. Above the clouds.

Absolutely brilliant. Climbing Mt. Fuji is like dashing your way through four seasons in one night. I've got to admit we were extremely lucky not to have any dangerously high winds, or heavy rain the entire trip, but as far as experiencing nature goes, I'm perfectly content with what we saw. Beyond words. And worlds.

The people I live with are all generally very tolerable. I live at a dorm, so you have all the usual kinds; the ones that partake in everything, the ones that never show their faces, the ones that fall in love and the ones that want to go home. The greater half of the aforementioned 21 were people from the dorm. Thus, I wasn't going to rush off to the top of the mountain in two hours, leaving everyone behind. Even though a part of me wanted to. To begin with, at least.

Ok, the point; I did my share in recruiting people to come along on this trip. Thus, I held myself responsible for the fate of the Chinese girl half my size, who conveniently half-died from contracting a cold just in time for our departure. Not so surprisingly, it turned out to be a very slow ascent, the two of us ending up last for a while. However, more surprisingly, as the air got lighter and people's heart rates started reaching constant speeds, the weak were separated from the strong and I got what I wanted; a relatively high pace ascent. At the front nonetheless.

Likewise, the others in our group were pairing up, and before you knew it, there was a handful of girls hanging on the arms of a handful of boys. Who could have guessed.

I'm sure the photos will help in telling a minute part of the story as well. All I can really say is over 9000.

Japan and I have a very special relationship.

I really love Japan for what it is, but sometimes, a small part of me wants very much to just beat sense into it. And all the while, the most fascinating sides of Japan are the sides that don't make any sense. It's a complicated relationship, to say the least.

Today, walking home from the train station, I thought I 'd have a look at the new Lawson that opened less than 50 metres from the one they tore down a few months ago. Lawson is, to anyone who doesn't know already, the fucking best. A convenience store, but at the same time, so much more. Ain't that convenient.

Naturally, I didn't mind basically being ushered into Lawson among tens of other people who just got off the train. It had been a good day, and they dropped 50 yen off almost everything in the store. I wasn't going to get worked up about "my autonomy" or some bs because they were loudly advertising all around the station.

Once I got my three onigiri however, I was faced with the staff behind the counter. Cute young faces, matching decorated hair, and one woman past her prime, looking like she knows how to use the cash register lightning fast. She spits out the standard greetings, "next customer please", "this is how much you owe us", "do you have a point card?".

Err... let's see... *glances for two seconds on the cards in my wallet* I do have a T point card, is that ok?

*In English* No. T point card no good.

Ok then, never mind. *whips out 350 yen and looks for that 1 yen coin in there*

*In English* One yen please.

My face does go a little "question mark" whenever the lady behind the counter insists on speaking English with me, but I also notice the other staff, being younger, actually realise what an awkward thing it is to go out of your way to speak a language you're not even half proficient in because all foreigners speak English. Even the ones that speak Japanese.

Anyways, seeing as Lawson didn't have any good, cheap, non-alcoholic drinks in stock, I decided to swing by another convenience store on the way home. The staff member I was met with at the counter in this one was not the most ambitious one I've met in my life if you know what I mean. In Japan, clerks have to shout a whole bunch of greetings all the time, and from the moment you're next in line until you step out the door, it's always the same shit they have to say every time. It's apparently effective in luring in customers, and reassuring the frequenters that they are in fact Japanese and rules are being followed or death. The shining star I was met with today mumbled more than any one in the past, and felt it was all-right to drop words here and there either because I wasn't going to understand her because I wasn't Japanese or because I wasn't listening to begin with.

That'll be five yen.

*thinking to myself* Wait, what. I'm pretty sure it's a hundred and five yen...

Mumble mumble mumble, here's your card. Mumble, mumble.

*oh, I get it...*

I guess the most confusing part is how "at home", or somewhat relieved I feel from getting a bunch of special treatment at convenience stores. I can't say I'm happy the way Japanese people, the people I decided to live amongst for a few years at the least, are like any other society of people I know so far. They all have their flaws, preconceptions, etc. But given the option of being treated like any other Japanese person every time I go to a convenience store, I don't mind at all that they have their moments when they forget themselves.

The option to all this is being treated so well you feel undeserving of their honest smiles, and guilty for not paying them a service charge when they hand you your receipt and nod away.

And such the tale of my 10 minute walk home reaches its end. And they all lived happily ever after.